Jokes of the Day

[Onyx]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[flycatchr]

[Onyx]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front
porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy
godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be
granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really
rich."

** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful
princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of
them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak,
he saunters across the porch in his catlike way and whispers in her
ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, aren't you?"

[flycatchr]

ROFL TIME

[Megageth]

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never
achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you.That will help wife fantasize and should bring on an
orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over
them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."Once again they follow the Rabbi's advice.
They go home and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the
wife soon has an enormous room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly,
"You see that, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a
towel!"

[scicopathix]

A guy goes in an adult store, and asks for an inflatable doll.

The clerk asks, "Male or female?"

The customer replies, "Female."

The clerk asks, "Black or white?"

The customer says, "White."

The clerk asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Irritated, the customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"



The clerk responds, "The Muslim one blows itself up."

[s3xy_j0nny]

^^ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ^^

[scicopathix]

DEAR WOMEN

1. From 7 Sep to 20 October 2007, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations.
If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR and DVD are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say 'get over it, it's only a game', or 'don't worry,
they'll win next time'. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so called 'words of encouragement' will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying 'one' game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to 'spend time together'.

8. The replays of the tries are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying 'but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??', the reply will be: 'Refer to Rule #2 of this list'.

12. Please save your expressions such as 'Thank goodness the World Cup is only every 4 years'. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the reruns of the Rugby World Cup, etc etc.

13. And finally, if you are female and your "man" likes rugby less than you, he is not a real man and shall be bound by these rules and additionally be referred to as "the bitch" for the duration of the World Cup

Thank you for your cooperation.

Regards

Men of the world

[Stu]

My joke for the day !











Candidate

[s3xy_j0nny]

@ Jules: roflmao [If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).]

@ Stu: firing squad for your last post, dude.