Jokes of the Day

[Megageth]

... 500 bucks you say

[scicopathix]

Look deeper, Geth.
The janitors name is Patrick.
Patrick speaks very good English for a janitor.
This leads me to believe this is a European, British, or American zoo.
So we're talking 500 Dollars, Euros, or Pounds.

If porking gorillas is your thing, you can probably do that for a lot cheaper, in FleaSea Point.

[Paul]

I couldn't stop laughing when I saw this pic, does that make me a bad person

[attachment deleted by admin]

[scicopathix]

Ground breaking research in South Africa has led to the discovery of the heaviest
element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving
it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to
complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will
cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level of
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass.


When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has
half as many peons but twice as many morons...

[Paul]

Here are some of the funniest pics I have seen in a long time

http://jubed.com/jokes/view/Motivators

[gr@v1ty]

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

[baselineac]

old people=old jokes

[gr@v1ty]

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -R150.00."

[gr@v1ty]

So an employee applies for a day's leave...

Boss:
So you want a day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee/tea breaks which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

[gr@v1ty]

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangeovers.
For thine is the beer. The bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.