Jokes of the Day

[gr@v1ty]

Best of Chris Rock's standup...

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass, I can see old ladies on the phone. They've already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

You don't pay taxes. They take taxes.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost $5,000. Because if a bullet cost $5,000, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. That'd be it. Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, ''Damn, he must have did something. Shit, they put $20,000 worth of bullets in his ass.'' People would think before they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5,000. ''Man, l would blow your fucking head off, if l could afford it. l'm gonna get me another job, l'm gonna start saving some money, and you're a dead man! You better hope l can't get no bullets on layaway.'' So even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you won't have to go to no doctor
to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back. ''l believe you got my property.''

Bush lied to me. They all lied to me. "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth, they're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?

Ever see a list of the richest black people in the country? Oprah's on there. Cosby. Michael Jordon. Magic Johnson. Tiger Woods. Movie stars. But you can't get past number eight without running across a brother who just hit the Lotto jackpot last week.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

My mother was real cheap. Okay, practical. She would never pay a bill on time. "If they ain't cutting it off, I ain't paying." She would say, "The first bill is a suggestion. If they really want you to pay it, then they'll come and tap on your window." Her whole philosophy of life was: if you die owing money, then you've won.

The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here.

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?! People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "Red meat will kill you"? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat! If you're one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population, and 90% of the Final Four.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up.

You know the worst thing about niggers? Niggers always want credit for some shit they supposed to do. A nigger will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigger will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids." You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that?! "I ain't never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House. A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin' the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin' Paula Abdul to judge a singin' contest is like gettin' Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!

You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

That shit wasn't about race. That shit was about fame. If O.J. wasn't famous he'd be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J. He'd be Orenthal the bus driving murderer.

If a woman tells you she's 20 and looks 16, she's 12. If she tells you she's 26 and looks 26, she's damn near 40.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

Men want three things in life. Food, sex, and silence. So feed me, fuck me and shut the fuck up!

They don’t want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn’t vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.

The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, "If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!"

[SoSheOhPathix]

Underwear Crisis

An Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,"she replied. The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[gr@v1ty]

Women are always thinking. Always.
Their brains are continuously working. They are just thinking of shit all the time. Right now Vicky could be looking at the stage and thinking "I wonder what the stage is made out of. Is that microphone heavy? What if its a heavy microphone."

Guys have the ability to do something that woman can't do. Guys have the ability to sit there for like fifteen minutes, stare off into space and think about nothing. If you were to put a camera in our head to see what we were thinking, it would just be a blank screen. At best, at best, a fucking screen saver.

About a month into a relationship, a woman will look at you and go, "Promise me something. Promise.... you'll NEVER lie to me" "I promise" And thats the first time we lie to you.

Women can't handle that shit. She will always come up to you and when you are having your 15 minutes of thoughtless time and always come over "What are you thinking about?"
And we tell you what we were thinking about "Nothing". Its messed up when you tell your woman the truth, and that's the wrong answer.
"Cmon you had to be thinking about something"
"No, i wasnt". Really, they start accusing you.
"Why wont you tell me what you were thinking?"
" What do you think Im hiding my fucking thoughts? Even if I was, they are my fucking thoughts. If I wanted them to be real, I would have said them."
"You always do this shit"
"Do what shit?"
"Why wont you tell me what you are thinking about? Share with me!!!"
And its at that moment we have to make a decision and you force us to lie to you. We have to invent a story right then and there to tell you what we were thinking just so that you dont think we are retarded. "All right, all right. I'll tell you what I was thinking. I was just thinking about how pretty you are"

[gr@v1ty]

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.

You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

[gr@v1ty]

[NiteShade]

That's not funny!

[gr@v1ty]

26 Golden Rules for Writing Well by Iain D Campbell


1.Don't abbrev.

2.Check to see if you any words out.

3.Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.

4.About sentence fragments.

5.When dangling, don't use participles.

6.Don't use no double negatives.

7.Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

8.Just between you and I, case is important.

9.Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.

10.Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.

11.Its important to use apostrophe's right.

12.It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.

13.Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.

14.Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin with a capital letter and end with a full stop

15.Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.

16.In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.

17.Watch out for irregular verbs that have creeped into our language.

18.Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

19.Avoid unnecessary redundancy.

20.A writer mustn't shift your point of view.

21.Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.

22.A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.

23.Avoid cliches like the plague.

24.1 final thing is to never start a sentence with a number.

25.Always check your work for accuracy and completeness.

[Paul]

The above must have driven j0nny mad?

[gr@v1ty]

A little boy went to his father and asked 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, my boy, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!

[s3xy_j0nny]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy
from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly, the results are
either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which are your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you just do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.
The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."