Jokes of the Day

[scicopathix]

The Xmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty



FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2005

RE: Holiday Party



In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty





FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2005

RE: Holiday Party



Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.





FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2005

RE: Holiday Party



What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*ucking Employees

DATE: October 05, 2005

RE: The F*ucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pr*icks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu*cking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bi*tch from H*ELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2005

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

[Cuchulain]

ROTFLMAO

[J_Th4ng]

A teacher asks her class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence. Roland the teacher’s pet, gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious.”

“Well done, Roland,” says the teacher. “Can anyone else try?”

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, “My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.”

“Well done, Katie,” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, “Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.”

[s3xy_j0nny]

rofl @ SciCo and Draggy.

[J_Th4ng]

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time
we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very
tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This
goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the
ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[NiteShade]

ROFL

I will hafta invest in electric fencing...

[scicopathix]

Two Mint Imperials are kicking the crap out of a Jelly Tot. All you see is sugar flying!

Chappie asks Smartie: "Why aren't you helping!?"

Smartie says: " Are you mad!? Those guys are fucking menthol!!!"

[Paul]

Please delete the the above post before it cos any more harm.

[baselineac]

............................
ok scico now im starting to like you

[scicopathix]

I could think of no more applicable place to post this screenie.
The IT dept. is having 'some connectivity problems' as they put it...

You wouldn't believe how long it took to upload this pic.




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