Jokes of the Day

[SlipperyDuck]

[SoSheOhPathix]

Ways to get beer into stadiums for 2010

[SoSheOhPathix]

UNBELIEVEABLE !



A seven-year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday at the Pretoria High court when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible..

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Bafana Bafana whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[AuRoRa]

Sorry , this one is in afrikaans.......

Hoe om 'n Haaiaanval te voorkom:

1. Moenie in die see swem nie.

Meer as 99% van alle haaiaanvalle gebeur in groot watermassas, ook
bekend as oseane.

Die manier om vas te stel of jy in 'n oseaan is, is om die water te
proe. Dit behoort sout te smaak.



2. Swem saam met vet mense.

Sorg altyd dat daar groot, vet mense saam jou in die water is. Die
kanse dat jy vinniger as hulle kan swem en wegkom is baie goed.



3. Dokter die sonblok.

Om jou kanse op 'n aanval verder te verklein, vervang die ander se
sonbrandmiddel met iets wat na gebraaide biefstuk ruik.



4. Moenie in die water gaan sonder 'n mes nie.

Dis sodat jy die swemmer naaste aan jou kan sny as jy 'n haai
gewaar. Sodra hy lekker bloei, swem so vinnig weg as wat jy kan



5. Luister noukeurig!

Elke Haai het 'n Theme Song - As jy dié volgende hoor, swem vir jou lewe:

da-dam. da-dam. da-dam As dit so klink: dadam, dadam, dadam - dan is
jy klaar in jou moer.



6. Moenie paniekerig raak nie.

Bly kalm as 'n haai jou byt. Jy is in elk geval in jou moer in en dit
sal nie help jy probeer oorleef nie.

Die mense op die strand sal dit waardeer want om iemand soos 'n mal
mens te hoor skreeu en gil, is nie lekker nie.

Dink aan die kinders man!

[gr@v1ty]

Sorry , this one is in afrikaans.......

I'll give the translation a bash...

How to avoid a shark attack:

1. Don't swim in the sea.

More than 99% of all shark attacks occur in large water masses, also
known as oceans.

The way to determine if you are in an ocean is to taste the water.
It tastes salty.

3. Swim with fat people.

Make sure that there are always big fat people with you in the water. The chances
are that you can swim faster than them and get away.

3. Doctor the sunscreen.

To further reduce your chances of an attack, replace their sunscreen
with something more like marinade.

4. Never enter the water without a knife.

This is so that you can stab the nearest swimmer to you if
you encounter a shark. Once he's bleeding, swim away as fast
as you can.

5. Listen carefully!

Every shark has a theme song - if you hear the following, swim for your life:
da-dam. da-dam. da-dam.
If it sounds like this: dadam, dadam, dadam - then you're screwed.

6. Don't panic.

Stay calm if a shark bites you. You are in any case screwed and it won't help trying to survive.

The people on the beach will appreciate it because its not nice hearing people screaming and shouting madly.
Think of the children, man!

[Megageth]

Thanks Grav, Zim refugees appreciate your skills.

[SlipperyDuck]

[AuRoRa]

Some Army slogan - Fails....

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo

[SlipperyDuck]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?


Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"



"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes
and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "do what ever you want."



So here I am.

[AuRoRa]

Work Quotes

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
Robert Paul

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome