Jokes of the Day

[SoSheOhPathix]

True story.

A woman, driving along the freeway, runs over a stray matress, but doesn't stop (we won't go into that right now, see?).
Somehow, unbeknownst to her, it snagged on her drive shaft, and got all wound up on it.
After 30 miles, it finally tore open her fuel tank, and after the remaining fuel ran out, she stopped.
She called her dealer, who sent out a tow truck. She told the tow truck driver and dealer she didn't know what happened, but that the car had suddenly developed a "sort of shimmy" before stopping.

I bet it did!

[SoSheOhPathix]

...

[AuRoRa]

[Paul]

LOL that dude is a fuckbag of Note!

[SoSheOhPathix]

An advertisment placed in The New York Times:




To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

[*knightfox100*]

http://www.break.com/index/drunkest-guy-ever-goes-for-more-beer.html


check this drunk guy out.

[AuRoRa]

One Liners :
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!



A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...



Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.



What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh



Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".




What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no



Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.



Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"


Bumber Sticker Sayings:

CAUTION: Your daughter might be on board


Hang up and drive!


Welcome to America ..... Now speak English


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.


Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.


Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.


Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.


Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: Everybody, But Me."


If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.


The proctologist called...they found your head.


Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."


Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

[SoSheOhPathix]

More Motivation... For what, I'm not entirely sure.

[SlipperyDuck]

Best blonde joke ever (not sure if it's a repeat)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .




















"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[SlipperyDuck]

Dear Grim Reaper

So far this year, you have taken from me:

My favourite dancer, Michael Jackson;
My favourite actor, Patrick Swayze;
My favourite singer, Stephen Gately of Boyzone;

For your records, I would just like you to know that my favourite politician is Julius Malema.

Yours sincerely