Battlefied 3 Gauteng vs Western Province: POV tank Crew

Tick tock…. Tick tock…. Tick tock…. The days, hours and minutes had been counting down for a fortnight and as the hour drew near the tension in the air was only interrupted by a slight chill, this was accentuated by the occasional breeze that accompanied the shivers down my spine. The clash of two titans was about to unfold in an unholy war, a rivalry between the nations of Gauteng and Western Province was about to climax in a massive battle that would see the winner take all.

As the crow flies from south to north only the souls of fallen soldiers know the horrors that await the men and women on the BATTLEFIELD, it is only…..WTF!!! Bitch please this ain’t no epic novel, this be a simple telling of a massive beat down!! A beat down of such a monumental nature that only a red headed step child could relate to it. Let me give you the 4-1-1 before I have to pop a cap in yo ass.

Firstly the night was not off to a good start but what do you expect when a bunch of inbred noobs decide to throw together an epic match in a couple of days over the interwebs? We started off with not enough people, then there were too many people, then people couldn’t join or joined the wrong squad. This all culminated with my tank driver/Squad leader finishing off by say “Dude your voice is much more manly than I imagined!” Son why are you imagining my voice?
BANG! My door blows shut because of that f##king wind but it also marks the start of the match. “GL HF” messages stream across the coms by naïve virgins who don’t realize that we , being Gauteng want to rape these mofos so hard that they will be able to land Boeing next to the hamster that they stuck up their bums.

The first map is Kharg Island, so what is the plan? “We are pretty much just going to Pub it” say [GP][TE]Peopol , “So who wants to call the shots in our squad” pipes up Peopol again “Just drive bitch!” thinks [GP][grrr]Paul in his head but actually says “You the SL you can all the shots we don’t mind” And so the squad heads off to the first flag, encountering little resistance along the way, it is only when we arrive at the Delta flag do we face the zombie horde of [WP], they have captured Bravo flag and are streaming over the hill like lemmings being driven by the piped piper to their death.

Bullets and shells are in abundance and bodies are falling everywhere but they are no match for my 50 cal even though, due to lag I was sure I was shooting pretty flowers most of the time. Doom doom doom! [WP][Bvd]Hackem arrives with his tank at Delta flag, just peeking between the building and the oil storage things that are big and stuff. My first thought is to run, get out of your tank, shift key down and run to another flag. Find a nice corner, maybe make some tea, cry a little but you will survive.

Then something amazing happens, a few guys periods sync up and get all angry at Hackem and decide to launch a barrage of RPG’s, wait what a coordinated attack on a 64 player server? What is this voodoo? So I decide to take out my big boy and blow that sucker fool up, the sucker fool was [WP][grrr]s3xy_j0nny who was doing a terrible job and being Hackem’s spanner monkey. The tank blows up and that is the end of the assault. The Charlie flag starts flashing so we make our way there around the back but half way there Poepol decides that he wants to take a minute to look at the Jets dog fighting because he hasn’t seen anything like that before, you need to move out of your mom’s basement, rent a porno or something.

We quickly crush the infidels at Charlie flag that are quivering behind a destroyed building and head back to Echo flag which has come under attack. The rest of the round and the next plays out much like this with our tank crew bouncing from flag to flag mowing down [WP] players like fish in a barrel. Every now and then a stray TV missile makes an attempt on our life but they are mostly ineffective. We comfortably take both rounds and move on to Operation Firestorm with [WP] licking their wound.

And by wounds I mean vaginas because no sooner has everyone loaded up the next map do we hear complaints about fielding invalid players or some such nonsense. Eventually everyone de-bunches their panties and we get down to business again, [GP] start off as RU and this time Poepol actually has a plan and announces “ We are just going to hang around Charlie, Bravo and Alpha”. At some point during this round my mic stops working so my brilliant intel and witty banter is lost on my squad but they still seem to manage to do the job and secure whatever flag we roll up on. [WP] provide little resistance during the first round almost as if they had given up, with a few “2ez” comments flying around is this epic war going to fizzle out?

Nay these bitches be a mongoose trapped in a corner and they kick off the second round with a bang, [WP] are able to hold onto 3 of the 5 flags for large portions of the game and it looks like they might be able to claw one back. The Bravo flag is a very important flag as it links Charlie, Alpha and Delta so it is a good spring board to attack those flag, for this reason it seemed that [WP] wanted to keep this flag at all costs. At one point I think ¾ of their team spawned at Bravo, a few [GP] players were able to keep them entertained long enough for splinter cells to branch off and capture Delta and Echo thus giving us the flag advantage. We pounded them hard with no building going unscathed until they relinquished Bravo and were pushed them back to Charlie. From then on it was tickets, literally, their tickets bleed out and [GP] took a convincing 4 -0 win.

All in all a good day but when is it not a good day when you see a Capetonian and fellow clan member lying, bleeding on the floor, whimpering like the pig dog that he is!!