Jokes of the Day

[scicopathix]

And the Krugersdorp High Headmaster (when I got expelled from std 6. Don't remember his name), used to be a teacher at Rooseveldt High.
Until he got fired after being caught 'on the job' with one of the moms in the tuckshop... by kids at the window, when break started.

[J_Th4ng]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!"

And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo, they gained 10 kilos.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said "Try my fresh green salad".

And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side, and Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and simple carbohydrates.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more kilos.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra kilos.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the R5,00 double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em".

And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled and created the Health Department headed by Manto Tshabalala Msimang

[scicopathix]

Oh... So now we're blaming it on poor, innocent little Satan?



Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars in London.

Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.

Ahmed says, "Look at your sign - It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.'
Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money.
You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."

So Hamid looks at Ahmed's sign which reads, " I only need another £10 to go back to Pakistan." !!

[Cuchulain]

I don't think even Satan would want anything to with Manto

[J_Th4ng]

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to say, this was way too cool.

Cut a long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. fokall! I was so disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her LG convection oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah. There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you already know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and my Blue Bulls supporter jersey, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one side as if to say, "don't do it, you stupid man," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thingy couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF @@@!!!!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK, F@&$ ME GEORGE!!!!! I'm pretty sure THE BLUE BULLS TEAM ran in through the side door, picked me up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed the recliner over my head as a just for fun.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet smelling like piss, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and pins and needles in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again you stupid d00s!"

Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!!!!. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs.

By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew into my body somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character felt when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket.

So if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer to test it, take my advice! Repeat after me...

"Here, kitty kitty...."

[s3xy_j0nny]

awesome story, Jarrod.

[flycatchr]

[Onyx]

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. The husband walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of drinks and one thing leads to another. Sometime thereafter, they end up back at the woman's apartment.

One thing leads to another and the next thing the man knows, it's 3 o'clock in the morning. "Oh no!" says the man, "It's really late... my wife's going to kill me. Hey, do you have any talcum powder?"

Curious, the woman reluctantly hands the man some talcum powder. He proceeds to rub the powder on his hands and then rushes out the woman's apartment for home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is rather upset, to say the least. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So, I went to the bar to use the vending machine. Well, I met this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks together. Anyway, one thing led to another and I ended back at her place."

"Oh, really?" says the wife, sarcastically. "Let me see your hands!"

He raises his hands and, sure enough, she notices that his hands are covered with powder.

"Liar!! You went bowling again!"

[Onyx]

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin, but at that moment the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

[gr@v1ty]