Jokes of the Day

[Megageth]

The below is a job application that Hunter S. Thompson sent to the Vancouver Sun before he was famous.


--------------------------------------------------------------

Vancouver Sun


TO JACK SCOTT, VANCOUVER SUN


October 1, 1958 57 Perry Street New York City


Sir,


I got a hell of a kick reading the piece Time magazine did this week on The Sun. In addition to wishing you the best of luck, I'd also like to offer my services.


Since I haven't seen a copy of the "new" Sun yet, I'll have to make this a tentative offer. I stepped into a dung-hole the last time I took a job with a paper I didn't know anything about (see enclosed clippings) and I'm not quite ready to go charging up another blind alley.


By the time you get this letter, I'll have gotten hold of some of the recent issues of The Sun. Unless it looks totally worthless, I'll let my offer stand. And don't think that my arrogance is unintentional: it's just that I'd rather offend you now than after I started working for you.


I didn't make myself clear to the last man I worked for until after I took the job. It was as if the Marquis de Sade had suddenly found himself working for Billy Graham. The man despised me, of course, and I had nothing but contempt for him and everything he stood for. If you asked him, he'd tell you that I'm "not very likable, (that I) hate people, (that I) just want to be left alone, and (that I) feel too superior to mingle with the average person." (That's a direct quote from a memo he sent to the publisher.)


Nothing beats having good references.


Of course if you asked some of the other people I've worked for, you'd get a different set of answers.

If you're interested enough to answer this letter, I'll be glad to furnish you with a list of references -- including the lad I work for now.


The enclosed clippings should give you a rough idea of who I am. It's a year old, however, and I've changed a bit since it was written. I've taken some writing courses from Columbia in my spare time, learned a hell of a lot about the newspaper business, and developed a healthy contempt for journalism as a profession.


As far as I'm concerned, it's a damned shame that a field as potentially dynamic and vital as journalism should be overrun with dullards, bums, and hacks, hag-ridden with myopia, apathy, and complacence, and generally stuck in a bog of stagnant mediocrity. If this is what you're trying to get The Sun away from, then I think I'd like to work for you.


Most of my experience has been in sports writing, but I can write everything from warmongering propaganda to learned book reviews.


I can work 25 hours a day if necessary, live on any reasonable salary, and don't give a black damn for job security, office politics, or adverse public relations.


I would rather be on the dole than work for a paper I was ashamed of.


It's a long way from here to British Columbia, but I think I'd enjoy the trip.


If you think you can use me, drop me a line.


If not, good luck anyway.


Sincerely, Hunter S. Thompson

[TygerBS]

Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed," he replied.
"You're in America now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohammed returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Kevin?² she asked.
Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fuckin' Arabs.

[Thor_23]

A South African Drill sergeant gets an order from a superior officer to inform one of the troop in his battalion that he's father had passed away.
Having never done this particular type of thing before, he works out a plan on the most subtle way to inform the soldier of his father’s untimely death.
Later that day at the assembly grounds he has the whole battalion gathered in neat rows and waits for the silence to settle in before posing a question.
He then proceeds to shout in a loud and clear voice: “Those of you, who has a father, take a step forward!" and abruptly shouts afterwards: “van der Merwe! What the hell do you think you are doing!!!?”

[duiwel]

Only IT geeks can appreciate the pure lollness of this

[s3xy_j0nny]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.



Here are the winners:



1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.



2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.



3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.



4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.



7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high



8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.



9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.



13. Glibido: All talk and no action.



14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.



15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.





The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.



And the winners are:



1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.



2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.



3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.



5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.



6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.



7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.



8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.



9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.



10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.



11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.



12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.



13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.



14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.



15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.



16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[flycatchr]

thanks s3xy, i have tears streaming down my face.

[s3xy_j0nny]

Yeah, I didnt stop laughing out loud from 'Ignoranus' til the end.

[TygerBS]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/evangelical-scientists-refute-gravity-with-new-int,1778/

[Megageth]

Why some people have issues later on in life:

[Megageth]

The Punny Side of Life:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too