GRRR Squad Forum

z0mg, he should be king of FaceBook for LIFE!

Steven Wright quotes...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

So, do you live around here often?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What a nice night for an evening.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Mitch Hedberg quotes...


A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Mitch is the best RIP

Some new motivationals.

Not really a joke - more of a 'WTF?! That dude is fkin CRAZY' clip. Thanks to Grav for showing me initially:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjmtpp7GzhY

Jules, you will appreciate the insanity of this dude.

What insanity?
If the noobs on their wannabe-biker BMWs and scooters got out his way he could have done a much better time. I hate squids!

Watching his speedo, he isn't moving so fast... Just this morning, I was doing 220 on the N3 through Buccleuch (I try to stay under 100 when I'm snaking between stationary cars, tho), and I can keep my wheel up longer than he does.

Some more Mitch 4 Paul

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "F**k it. Cut 'em up! We can play tennis later."

I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes.

I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

They say that the recipie for sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, and there's more to it than that. "You want some more home made sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the f**k else is in it!"

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy! Let's get out of here!

My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

I like waffles. Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. A waffle says to the syrup, "Hold on, now. You ain't goin' anywhere. Don't even be tryin' to creep down the side. Just rest in these squares. If one square is full, move on to the next one. When you hit the butter, split up."

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I saw a commercial on late night TV. It said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

Hey this joke's on the first CD, but I added a new line so I can't fuckin’ rob you of this one: I got a ant farm but them fellas didn't grow shit. I said “C’mon what about some celery? You fuckers don’t farm! Plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen." That's the new part.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it -- build a house! Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck. An arrow killed you, they would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."

Some people think I'm high on stage. I would never get high before a show, because when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"

If I was a locksmith, I'd be fuckin' pimping that shit out."Say, what's goin' on, man? Tell you what, I'll trade you a free key duplication..." [laughs] That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good 'cause there's no ending.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.

I love my FedEx guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, "where the fuck did you get that banana at?"

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press 2 for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed 2 enough."

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

When Gatorade has a commercial, they always have like a guy playin' sports. I don't think ya have be like playing sports and sweating to enjoy a Gatorade. I just think you can be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. "I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason, other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade, too? Or does that lightning-bolt mean 'No'?"

Eddie Murphy... on Eddie's Inlaws


Pops, what the fuck is wrong with your wife? Why can't she walk a flight of steps? You come over every motherfucking year, Gus, and you burn down my motherfucking back yard, and your wife rips down the steps. Why?! I work hard to get my place beautiful. And then the motherfucker comes over and rip the steps down. Look at my fucking steps, they're fucked up, Gus. Why can't she walk the steps? You know why she can't walk the steps? Cause she's a fat, hairy bitch. That's why.
That's why, Gus.

And my children are afraid of your wife. Eddie's afraid of her. He has nightmares about you wife. I went in his room last week, Gus, he was in the bed screaming, crying, "Oh, help me, help me!" I woke him, I shook him, said, "what's wrong?" He said, "Aunt Bunny is coming to get me." He's afraid of your wife, cause she has a bigger moustache than his father.

But you know what it is, Gus? I figured it out about your wife. I'm gonna say it. And my wife, I don't give a fuck about my wife, she can shut the fuck up. I'm gonna tell you something. I figured out about your wife. I know where you met your wife. You told me you met your wife 15 years ago on a motherfcuking camping trip? And that your wife was Puerto Rican? Your wife ain't no motherfucking Puerto Rican! I thought she was when I first met her, Gus. Cause I walk up, I say "Hello, it's good to meet you. My name is Vernon." She says, "Hello, I'm Bunny. Goonie googoo."

What the fuck does "goonie googoo" mean, Gus? I don't know what the fuck that shit is to this day. I thought I'd learned some new Spanish shit. I went up to my friend, I said, "Hey Sanchez! Goonie googoo!" And Sanchez says, "Get the fuck outta here." So I been walking around for years confused. And I finally figured it out about your wife, where you met your wife. You didn't meet your wife on no motherfucking camping trip!

Your wife, man, your wife's a Bigfoot! Isn't she, Gus? Your wife is a Bigfoot isn't she? That's why the bitch's moustache is so motherfuckin' thick... 'cause you shaved the bitch down and taught her to speak. I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one!

Don't bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus! With my children? The bitch can't talk. She can't walk a flight of steps! She's not trained well, Gus! She cannot walk steps! I'll bet she climbs the fuck outta trees, though, don't she, Gus? Doesn't she? Doesn't she?!

But you got to not bring her around here. Fuck her!

And your motherfuckin' children? They're Bigfeet, too. They're half-Bigfoot, Gus, 'cause the motherfuckers is 6 years old and have afros 17 inches long. They're little hairy motherfuckers, just like their mother. Look at the motherfuckers man!

You know how I found out they was Bigfoot? When I realized your wife was a Bigfoot when I took your kids fishing last week. I put the motherfuckers in the boat, Gus, and I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and they put their poles down in the motherfuckin' boat, and slammed their faces in the water for 2 minutes! And I think, "What the fuck are these kids doin'?" Then they start moving their heads like this [shakes his head] and the motherfuckers come up with fish! I jumped back and said, "Can you believe this motherfuckin' shit? Then the kid took the fish out his mouth and looked at his brother and said, "Goonie googoo."

What the fuck is going on here? Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus. But I'm gonna tell you something, motherfucker. You can take your motherfuckin' hairy fat-ass wife moustache bitch the fuck out. You can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin' dog and scoop up the shit and take Eddie and get these motherfuckin' long Angela Davis afro-wearin' motherfuckin' kids of yours and put them in the motherfucking Goonie-Googoo-Mobile and get the fuck out! And if my wife don't like it, she can get the fuck out, too!