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Well written, a ten out of ten!

Base-"fuckin' eloquent, ain't I?"-lineAC

Warm Milk

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying, so the nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother Superior, the nuns asked with earnest," please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face, said," Don't sell that cow!"

This is one of those jokes thats better told vocally than read so read it aloud when your boss isn't around.

A Japanese woman walks into a bank in SA and asks how much Rand she can get for 10 000 yen. When the teller punches in the numbers he tells her the final figure she becomes irate.
"Why so leettel? Lust week I got muts more!", she demands.
Teller says "Fluctuation".
Womans jaw drops, she stands up and storms out screaming "No! Fluckyouwhitey!"

The Pope ...
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There’s no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I’m the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ...Never heard of it... Wait, I’ll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth."

God: "I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I’ll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what’s up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

Oh... we're allowed to tell religious jokes, are we?

I would think so. We're not exactly regulated around here...

Go on Jules, let rip with some good ones!!

scicopathix wrote:Oh... we're allowed to tell religious jokes, are we?

half the problem with Christians is that we cant laugh at jokes, please scico, do your worst

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo ( he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, your Eminence, "says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!

One day (of indeterminate duration), St. Peter is sitting at the pearly gates, as he has done for thousands of years, when a wrinkly old man totters up to his desk.
"Welcome to Heaven", says Pete. "Please may I have your name for the records."

The old man stands staring blankly at Peter for a while, before saying "I don't know. I can't remember my name."
"Not to worry, sir." St. Peter responds, "Quite common. The trauma of death often causes short term memory loss. It'll come back to you. Just go take a seat on cloud no. 9 over there, and as soon as you remember something that we can use to reference your details in our database, come see me."

So, the old man wobbles over to the cloud, sits down and goes into deep thought.
Old people think slowly, so this takes some time. Years, actually.

In the meantime, Jesus, being his usual helpful, friendly self, has decided to relieve Peter at the gate, so he can go have some fun, and practice his harp (or whatever they do for fun up there... it's not like they have any ho's).
St. peter is a dilligent gate-keeper, and has thoroughly briefed Jesus on the old man, still sitting on cloud 9, wrinkled brow, desperately trying to remember something.

One day, the old man suddenly picks his head up, with a bright glint in his eye, and as fast as possible, he makes his way over to the gate.
"I remember! I remember!" he shouts with joy, as he approaches the clerks desk.
"That's fantastic!" replies Jesus. "What do you remember? I'd like nothing more than to admit you to heaven right away."
"I had a son." says the old man.
"What was his name?" asks Jesus.
"Don't remember." responds the geriatric
"Okay. Describe him. Maybe I know his name. I know a lot of stuff, you know?" states the son of God.
"Ummm... I remember he had holes in his hands and feet..." says the old man.

Jesus jumps to his feet, with tears of joy brimming in his eyes, and throws open his arms to the old man.
"Father..." croons Jesus, as the old man lays his weary head on Jesus' shoulder.

The old man answers... "Oh...I missed you so much, Pinnochio"