GRRR Squad Forum

Subject: Double-entendres - Classics

12 of the finest (unintentional) Double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio.


1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator : 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself'

Not since 1955 ...
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma´am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma´am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said:
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said:
"You know, I hope you don´t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma´am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:
"Wow, you sure didn´t forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice:
"I hope not, it´s only 2130 now."

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, and losing her slass glipper..

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fassive mart. 'Who's fust jarted?' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of his car. . .

and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it. . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. and that's when the fight started .

Dear IT Support:


I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that is taking up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night out 10.3, Football 5.0, Drinking and Fighting 7.5 , and Car racing 3.6 have all been deleted from the system.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.

___________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to require good maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 , once this happens; the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

There's are patches:
'Bitchslap 1.2', and 'Purple Nurple 1.6'
which suppress future instances of malware. Or the expansion:
'Vasectomy 2.0',
which allows you to use your stiffy as much as you like without the worries of 'Maintenance Payments 666' or getting caught installing 'Hot Young Mistress 21.5'

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT
MORNING.

I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY,
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.


AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE
OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"


IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU
KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO
OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S
GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.

WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO
MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY ON THE WAY BACK TO THE
OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED
TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU
DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT
BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT
CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF
MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

ON THE COUCH...

NAKED.

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

The 2008 International Submarine Racing world championships:
Photo finish...


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