Tales Of Grrr: Part 2 - The Russian Invasion
"..some say he is an ex KGB officer, some say he is Vladimir Putin's long lost twin brother. They often speak of him in hushed tones around campfires.." was Russian's thoughts as he crept through an empty hallway, his gun cocked and held aloft in the air.
Pausing to look at himself in a mirror he thought "Dammit I look good, I wonder why I can't get any gir- No Russian! Be strong, you're awesome!" he straightened up, walking into the next room.
Suddenly all of his dreams came true all at once. In the room was two of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. They were frolicking on a bed, only wearing skimpy clothing and barely covering what they had. Pausing in their act of lightly patting each other playfully with cushions they turned to look at him.
Just a few buildings away corporal Irish and sergeant Nomad was enjoying a quiet smoke away from all the hubhub and fuss of combat. "I remember..." Sergeant Nomad began, blowing a smoke ring. "I remember when there was less screaming."
"Sarge, do you think we should help them?" the corporal asked nervously, fiddling with his M416.
"Lad, we weren't put on this green earth to help other bastards shoot other bastards. Besides I need to take a piss after this one, then we can grab a beer, then maybe. Yes maybe we'll help them."
The sergeant discreetly sidled behind a bit of rubble, whistling a tune and coughing. "Err.. Corporal, you mind going for a short walk? There's a good fellow."
Sighing the sergeant went about his business, closing his eyes and opening them again sharply when he felt something against his leg. Unbeknownst to him, he had decided to let nature do it's course next to a bush of ukrainian fire ants and a couple of them decided to head north up his trousers...
Meanwhile Russian was living the dream.
"Ladies, don't be alarmed." Russian planned to say this in a confident, manly way. Just like he practiced in the mirror, and in many of his daydreams - which seems to be coming true all at once. What came out was very akin to a prepubescent squeal at a Justin Bieber concert.
"Does big man come shoot us?" the one angelic being asked, dropping to her knees in front of Russian and gripping his combat vest.
The other one appeared at his side "Big man no shoot us, we make big man happy yes? He may have beard of woman, but he is man yes?" she laughed wickedly.
"Err... uhrhgm.. gplhgt?" Russian got out
"Come big man, come to bed, we get Julia for you." said the angelic being, leading him to the bed.
Never in his life has Russian been happier, not paying attention the fact that he has been disarmed and severely undressed for combat. And Julia? Who is Julia? Life couldn't get much better for him.
What entered into the next room was something of horrors, Russian's Eiffel tower crumbled into a khayelitsha flat, the sudden change in blood pressure left him dizzy.
What could only be called a monstrosity walked to the bed, Russian only then noticed the two angelic beings - which now seemed slightly more demonic - had pinned his arms to the bed and was grinning at him smugly.
"Big man like looking at pretty girls? Big man like pretty girls big?" the monstrosity roared, lifting one of her or his breasts and wielding it almost like a weapon
"Please no.." Russian whimpered
Far away from him Vice-Captain Nimbzy was in heavy action, wrestling with a large bearded ukranian man. "You no take tags!" "YOU NO TAKE TAGS!" the bearded monster shouted, his hands tightening around the vice-captain's neck.
"WHAT THE HELL, GET OFF ME, STOP TAKING MY THINGS!" the frustrated Nimbzy shouted, his hand jerking up and repeatedly stabbing the man. "GOSH DAMMIT WHY THE HELL IS IT ALWAYS AN UKRANIAN."
"Err... Sir? Sir?" Lance Corporal Firesyde muttered to his captain. "Should we help him?"
Captain Paul "Douchebag" Paulson took a long puff on his cigar, his eyes narrowing.
"No."
"Why sir?"
"Fucking staff shells"
...to be continued
