SoSheOhPathix
18-08-2010, 12:02 PM
I had to see this, coz it had people playing monsters in latex suits, which always makes me laugh.
Did you ever see 'Descent'?
No?
Basic story:
Bunch of giggly pretty girls decide to go spilunking (caving).... Ummm, hang on... NOTE! THIS IS NOT A LESBO PORN MOVIE!
There are about 6 of them.
No one knows where they are going.
They don't know where they are going
They don't know what they are doing
Makeup is more important to them than taking along a reliable torch.
Screaming, and running blindly through the caves in the pitch dark is more important to them than common sense and surviving.
Strange, inexplicable monster people live in the caves, and eat them.
Apparently, they have evolved to live in the pitch dark (the monster people, not the screaming, runnning bimbos) by turning blind, making lots of clicking noises, and drooling all over the place.
They also have Paul's highly-reflective palour. They are just prettier than Paul... and not even they would eat McDonalds.
Unless it was 'Old McDonald's' daughter screaming and running through the caves.
Actually, come to think of it, I don't really blame the monster people. There they are, happily living in the caves, munching on various small, furry rodents, and wallowing in a pool of gunge, minding their own business, when along come a bunch of loud-mothed squealing American bitches, running all over the place, whining and screeching (imagine how loud a scream is in a cave network?). I'd want to kill the silly cows!
They do.
In true ridiculous Hollywood horror fashion, one bimbo escapes, all covered in goo, blood, and drool. She gets to the surface, and runs off to find help... I imagine. They don't tell you. She just runs off into the forest (I was waiting for the 'TADAH!' as Mr. Monster jumped up to nosh on her pip, but the credits came up first)
Now we get to 'Descent 2'
Little miss survivor runs onto a road and is rescued by a bumpkin in a truck (which, later, you will see, is a massive continuity error) and taken to hospital, where, SURPRISE, she has amnesia... didn't see that coming, did you? Not cliche at all.
As it turns out, one of the light snacks from the first movie was a senator's daughter or summin' like that, so there is a whole search-and-rescue thing going on. Facilitated by the redneck Sherrif Dumbass and his cronies, rather than, say... the Secret Service or FBI, or even state police for that matter.
So when the sherrif gets a call that a survivor has been found, he naturally keeps it under wraps.
Then he sends out a tracking dog (a Rottweiler???? A tracking dog? WTF?) and tracks her back to where she didn't crawl out (I saw the first film, remember? Tip: When making a sequel, try to remember what happened in the last one... if you have the short-term memory of a goldfish, watch the fucking thing again!!).
This is no great accolade to the tracking abilities of the dog.
Nor is the part where, after being sent into a decrepit old mine shack, it comes running out, squealing, a great testament to it's bravery or training as a CQ police dog.
All this aside, a rescue mission is launched, in that sherrif, a deputy (female), miss Amnesia (let's not worry too much that she has just been admitted to hospital, suffering amnesia as a result of highly traumatic experience, in that cave, that got her all cut up, bruised, and doused in blood. Fuck 'er! Back in the hole, bitch!), and 3 actual rescuers are lowered down a mine shaft in a cage by Mr. Bumpkin (that miss survivor was found by).
It doesn't take them very long at all to get lost, seperated, and cause a cave-in (using a firearm in a cave network seems like a good idea... how?), all in interests of avoiding the pale-skins.
(Miss Amnesia also has a miraculous recovery, suddenly remembering everything, but not insisting that we 'get the hell out of here!' but rather running off on her own)
And eaten of course...
About an hour later, after much running around on polystyrene sets, screaming, bleeding, falling down, screaming some more, disembowelments, etc., most are dead. One female survivor crawls out of the same hole the first survivor crawled out of (maybe they have limited number of polystyrene 'crawl out of hole' sets...), to go frolicking through the forest, doing the 'I'm a pathetic bloody mess' dance.
Mr. Bumpkin whacks her on the nut with a shovel, and all but throws her back into the hole, to get snacked on!
This begs the question... Why didn't he just poes the first survivor on the pip and moer her back in the pit, saving us the excruciating pain of having to watch this crappy sequel?
Did you ever see 'Descent'?
No?
Basic story:
Bunch of giggly pretty girls decide to go spilunking (caving).... Ummm, hang on... NOTE! THIS IS NOT A LESBO PORN MOVIE!
There are about 6 of them.
No one knows where they are going.
They don't know where they are going
They don't know what they are doing
Makeup is more important to them than taking along a reliable torch.
Screaming, and running blindly through the caves in the pitch dark is more important to them than common sense and surviving.
Strange, inexplicable monster people live in the caves, and eat them.
Apparently, they have evolved to live in the pitch dark (the monster people, not the screaming, runnning bimbos) by turning blind, making lots of clicking noises, and drooling all over the place.
They also have Paul's highly-reflective palour. They are just prettier than Paul... and not even they would eat McDonalds.
Unless it was 'Old McDonald's' daughter screaming and running through the caves.
Actually, come to think of it, I don't really blame the monster people. There they are, happily living in the caves, munching on various small, furry rodents, and wallowing in a pool of gunge, minding their own business, when along come a bunch of loud-mothed squealing American bitches, running all over the place, whining and screeching (imagine how loud a scream is in a cave network?). I'd want to kill the silly cows!
They do.
In true ridiculous Hollywood horror fashion, one bimbo escapes, all covered in goo, blood, and drool. She gets to the surface, and runs off to find help... I imagine. They don't tell you. She just runs off into the forest (I was waiting for the 'TADAH!' as Mr. Monster jumped up to nosh on her pip, but the credits came up first)
Now we get to 'Descent 2'
Little miss survivor runs onto a road and is rescued by a bumpkin in a truck (which, later, you will see, is a massive continuity error) and taken to hospital, where, SURPRISE, she has amnesia... didn't see that coming, did you? Not cliche at all.
As it turns out, one of the light snacks from the first movie was a senator's daughter or summin' like that, so there is a whole search-and-rescue thing going on. Facilitated by the redneck Sherrif Dumbass and his cronies, rather than, say... the Secret Service or FBI, or even state police for that matter.
So when the sherrif gets a call that a survivor has been found, he naturally keeps it under wraps.
Then he sends out a tracking dog (a Rottweiler???? A tracking dog? WTF?) and tracks her back to where she didn't crawl out (I saw the first film, remember? Tip: When making a sequel, try to remember what happened in the last one... if you have the short-term memory of a goldfish, watch the fucking thing again!!).
This is no great accolade to the tracking abilities of the dog.
Nor is the part where, after being sent into a decrepit old mine shack, it comes running out, squealing, a great testament to it's bravery or training as a CQ police dog.
All this aside, a rescue mission is launched, in that sherrif, a deputy (female), miss Amnesia (let's not worry too much that she has just been admitted to hospital, suffering amnesia as a result of highly traumatic experience, in that cave, that got her all cut up, bruised, and doused in blood. Fuck 'er! Back in the hole, bitch!), and 3 actual rescuers are lowered down a mine shaft in a cage by Mr. Bumpkin (that miss survivor was found by).
It doesn't take them very long at all to get lost, seperated, and cause a cave-in (using a firearm in a cave network seems like a good idea... how?), all in interests of avoiding the pale-skins.
(Miss Amnesia also has a miraculous recovery, suddenly remembering everything, but not insisting that we 'get the hell out of here!' but rather running off on her own)
And eaten of course...
About an hour later, after much running around on polystyrene sets, screaming, bleeding, falling down, screaming some more, disembowelments, etc., most are dead. One female survivor crawls out of the same hole the first survivor crawled out of (maybe they have limited number of polystyrene 'crawl out of hole' sets...), to go frolicking through the forest, doing the 'I'm a pathetic bloody mess' dance.
Mr. Bumpkin whacks her on the nut with a shovel, and all but throws her back into the hole, to get snacked on!
This begs the question... Why didn't he just poes the first survivor on the pip and moer her back in the pit, saving us the excruciating pain of having to watch this crappy sequel?