SoSheOhPathix
12-08-2010, 11:04 AM
Here's a classic example of misleading casting/advertising...
It 'stars' Ron Pearlman, and John Malkovich, if you go by the cover picture. Otherwise, it just stars Ron Pearlman, which is hardly a great drawcard unless you're into dudes with seriously over-developed jawlines, and very limited acting skills.
John is only in the movie for approx. 5 minutes.
That aside, this movie falls somewhere between ridiculous, and moronic.
The general idea is that, in the year 2707, after the latest ice age, a 'machine' (of origins and design unknown and unexplained) comes to earth and basically fucks shit up. For reasons again unknown, it transforms people into mutants, who go forth and collect people to be transformed into mutants... repeat till fade.
Clever people somehow managed to put it in a big hole in the ground for some extended period, and seal the top.
Somewhere during all of this, the world was taken over by 4 mega-corporations, who are at war with each other. Not an original idea by any measure.
They have reverted to trench warfare in Europe, cleverly waging a war including massive artillery directly above said sealed hole. You can see where this is going, can't you?
Yup, the idiots break the seal, and 'Lo and behold, the mutants come forth!' By mutant, I mean they have a pointy, sharp bit where they used to have a hand, and are inexplicably resilient to bullets (but not swords??? Okaaaay. Let's just leave that alone), go "Argh!" and like to poke their pointy hand bits into people. Then, they drag their victims along the ground, back to their machine. Not carry... drag. This process can take weeks, apprently, coz all mutants come from one source but are remarkably wide-spread. Also remarkable is the fact that after a week or so of being dragged along the ground and through tunnels (we'll get back to that) by a pointy, sharp hand bit stuck in their chest, the victim is not only alive, they also haven't been abraded down to a gooey lump on the end of a pointy, sharp hand bit...
Now it gets ridiculous.
There is a 'bible', or bible-esque book (I use the word bible as there is a whole religious order devoted to this book that use terms like "God will provide"), which explains everything to one person (he's the only person that ever reads it, but doesn't share what he reads) regarding where the machine is, how to get there (he has really detailed maps of the barren wasteland in this book, including floor plans of sub-terranean ruins, etc.).
John Malkovich is head of this order, briefly.
He is convinced by brother Simian-jaw to send a suicide squad to the machine to blow it up. This never occurred to anyone else... Maybe if he shared his fucking book...! But nooooo, that's prohibitted.
Anyhoo. Off they go in their ship, to a ruined city where there are tunnels leading to the machine. The same tunnels the mutants are using to take peeps to the machine. Luckily for people, mutants and AI machines are too fucking stupid to realise that over the last few decades or so, the mutants could have walked out through these tunnels to go "Argh!", look all menacing, and poke people with their pointy, sharp bits. They're smart enough to fly space ships, though... maybe they had a book for that?
After much bloodshed, rampant idiocy, poor continuity, and even more holes in the story, they screw the pooch, leaving the usual one pretty dolly bird to do the job they all came to do.
There was one interesting (not redeeming) feature to the film.
No. Sorry. The birds all keep their clothes on...
The whole thing is shot somewhat like 'Sin City' and 'Schindler's List'. All very grey and washed-out, with the occasional splash of colour for emphasis. Pity they emphasised the blood so much, and very little else.
Technology is also different. Not good, nor redeeming. Just different. It's all rather 'retro'. Although more advanced, they have reverted back to weapons like the ones used in WW2 trrench warfare. Steam powered space ships were a bit of a stretch, but some of the weaponry (rifles, tanks, arty, grenades, etc.) was pretty interesting. There's a white phos. rifle I would really like to get my hands on...
Don't waste money renting this, or your time leeching it. It's absolute crap!
It 'stars' Ron Pearlman, and John Malkovich, if you go by the cover picture. Otherwise, it just stars Ron Pearlman, which is hardly a great drawcard unless you're into dudes with seriously over-developed jawlines, and very limited acting skills.
John is only in the movie for approx. 5 minutes.
That aside, this movie falls somewhere between ridiculous, and moronic.
The general idea is that, in the year 2707, after the latest ice age, a 'machine' (of origins and design unknown and unexplained) comes to earth and basically fucks shit up. For reasons again unknown, it transforms people into mutants, who go forth and collect people to be transformed into mutants... repeat till fade.
Clever people somehow managed to put it in a big hole in the ground for some extended period, and seal the top.
Somewhere during all of this, the world was taken over by 4 mega-corporations, who are at war with each other. Not an original idea by any measure.
They have reverted to trench warfare in Europe, cleverly waging a war including massive artillery directly above said sealed hole. You can see where this is going, can't you?
Yup, the idiots break the seal, and 'Lo and behold, the mutants come forth!' By mutant, I mean they have a pointy, sharp bit where they used to have a hand, and are inexplicably resilient to bullets (but not swords??? Okaaaay. Let's just leave that alone), go "Argh!" and like to poke their pointy hand bits into people. Then, they drag their victims along the ground, back to their machine. Not carry... drag. This process can take weeks, apprently, coz all mutants come from one source but are remarkably wide-spread. Also remarkable is the fact that after a week or so of being dragged along the ground and through tunnels (we'll get back to that) by a pointy, sharp hand bit stuck in their chest, the victim is not only alive, they also haven't been abraded down to a gooey lump on the end of a pointy, sharp hand bit...
Now it gets ridiculous.
There is a 'bible', or bible-esque book (I use the word bible as there is a whole religious order devoted to this book that use terms like "God will provide"), which explains everything to one person (he's the only person that ever reads it, but doesn't share what he reads) regarding where the machine is, how to get there (he has really detailed maps of the barren wasteland in this book, including floor plans of sub-terranean ruins, etc.).
John Malkovich is head of this order, briefly.
He is convinced by brother Simian-jaw to send a suicide squad to the machine to blow it up. This never occurred to anyone else... Maybe if he shared his fucking book...! But nooooo, that's prohibitted.
Anyhoo. Off they go in their ship, to a ruined city where there are tunnels leading to the machine. The same tunnels the mutants are using to take peeps to the machine. Luckily for people, mutants and AI machines are too fucking stupid to realise that over the last few decades or so, the mutants could have walked out through these tunnels to go "Argh!", look all menacing, and poke people with their pointy, sharp bits. They're smart enough to fly space ships, though... maybe they had a book for that?
After much bloodshed, rampant idiocy, poor continuity, and even more holes in the story, they screw the pooch, leaving the usual one pretty dolly bird to do the job they all came to do.
There was one interesting (not redeeming) feature to the film.
No. Sorry. The birds all keep their clothes on...
The whole thing is shot somewhat like 'Sin City' and 'Schindler's List'. All very grey and washed-out, with the occasional splash of colour for emphasis. Pity they emphasised the blood so much, and very little else.
Technology is also different. Not good, nor redeeming. Just different. It's all rather 'retro'. Although more advanced, they have reverted back to weapons like the ones used in WW2 trrench warfare. Steam powered space ships were a bit of a stretch, but some of the weaponry (rifles, tanks, arty, grenades, etc.) was pretty interesting. There's a white phos. rifle I would really like to get my hands on...
Don't waste money renting this, or your time leeching it. It's absolute crap!